Can someone tell me a joke where no one is offended. This means:
1) No sexist jokes
2) No religious jokes
3) No racial jokes
4) No jokes about vegetarian and non-vegetarian
5) No jokes about geeks
6) No jokes where geeks are superior to non-geeks
7) No jokes where closed source or proprietary software gets bashed. 
No jokes about animals (I don’t want PETA at my door)
9) Follow the pattern please…
Go go go…
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Whats brown and sticky?
A stick!
Not classified as “Funny” but still as a “joke”
Nick was walking down the street with a computer under one arm, a photocopier under the other and a desk strapped to his back. A policeman stopped him and said, Im placing you under arrest. Why? asked Nick. For impersonating an office, sir, replied the policeman.
(officer ->office sir… a nasty kind of pun)
(not attributed to me)
A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, “Hey! Gimme a drink!” The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street. The string thinks, “I’ll show ‘im. I’ll go back in disguise, he won’t know it’s me, and at the last minute I’ll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair. It goes back ain, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “You’re that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago.” The string answers, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Assume \epsilon<0
But maybe that offends people who do not understand while other people are giggling?
Knock knock
Drat, just offended people without doors.
There are 10 types of people in the world
hose who understand binary, and those who don’t.
I am more into situational humour myself rather than joke telling. Finding inoffensive jokes is a commendable project and I expect a good sized collection will amass here. Personally I think it is totally fine to offend people humorously, as long as the offended people laugh as you do it.
Google for inoffensive jokes:
“Did you mean: offensive jokes Top 2 results shown”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
There are 11 types of people in the world
those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Drat, failed rule #5
An eye and a foot are sitting on a bank. Suddenly the eye says: “I’ve got to go!”. “I wanna see that!” says the foot.
a quick one
What are the two words that will always open doors for you
Push And pull
Two men are walking their dogs. They stop at a wall to let the dogs urinate. One of the dogs cocks his leg and relieves himself. The other dog shifts balance onto his hind legs and walks over to the wall human-style. He then leans against the wall with a front paw and urinates disturbingly like a human man.
“Holy crap” exclaims the owner of the normal dog, “How did you teach him to do that?”
“I didn’t” replies the owner. “He’s done this ever since a wall fell on him”.
One more.
A Bear stops to join a rabbit sat in a sunny spot of the woods.
“My fur is terribly rough. Do you find that you get poo stuck in your fur?” Asks the Bear.
“No”. Replies the rabbit proudly. “My fur is soft and white as snow”
“Good”. Says the Bear as she picks up the rabbit and wipes her bum on him. “You won’t have any problem getting this out then”.
Considering that redneck is a stereotype and not a race, most of my jokes still fall within the parameters. Win! Sadly Alan Bell already told my favorite joke of the sort (a version of this I believe was actually named the funniest joke in the world in a UK contest some years ago).
My second favorite joke unfortunately directly clashes with rules 1 and 3 on account of it concerning welshmen and their famous relations with sheep.
Luckily Seif didn’t ban me from making fun of the disabled, the sick or old people. So here goes:
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked,
“What’s the matter?”
He said,
“I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”
Ha! We made a short film based on the Alan Bell joke because it’s supposed to be the funniest joke in the world
http://www.virginmediashorts.co.uk/films/entry/343263/hell-hath-no-fury
I like the joke at the dinner table:
“What’s that”
“It’s bean salad”
“I don’t care what it’s been. What is it now?”
Puns are usually inoffensive, but they’re the ones that get groans instead of laughs.
How about absurd jokes? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teMlv3ripSM
“Why did the chicken cross the web?”
“To get to the other site.”
Inoffensive geek joke featuring a chicken \o/ best joke ever \o/
THE ARISTOCRATS!
Have you heard the one about the broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless.
A Bear walks into a bar and says “I want a gin………….. and tonic.”
The bartender asks “Why the big pause?”
The Bear looks down and says “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”
Bacteria walks into a bar the bartender says “You’re not allowed in here” the bacteria replies “Don’t worry I’m staph”
(I’m stealing these from a “Clean Jokes” thread on funny.reddit.com)
Knock knock
– Who’s there?
Impatient cow.
– Impa..
MOO!
3 men at work when the boss walks in. He has had an amazing meeting and won a huge contract.
He calls the men into his office one at a time….Sing me a song that is unique that has a dog in it and you can go home..
man1: She ain’t nothing but a hound dog crying all the time.
Boss: Home you go.
man2: How much is that doggy in the window
Boss: Well done off home
man3: Thinks for a ages and sings “Strangers in the night..”
Boss: That song has no dog in it
Man3: It does let me finish “Strangers in the night exchanging glances…scobie dobedoo
Why did Jan sneak by quietly past the drug store?
He didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
“The rabbit and turle walked the path and they came to…. and carrot”
(I have never understanded those….)
and says “book! book! book-book-book!” to the librarian.
The librarian gives it a book and the chicken leaves.
Twenty minutes later, the chicken returns with the book, drops it at the librarian’s feet.
The chicken says, “book! book! book-book-book!”.
Again, the librarian gives the chicken a book, it takes the book and leaves.
Twenty minutes later, the chicken return, and asks for another book.
The librarian gives it a book, but this time the librarian decides to follow the chicken to see what it’s doing.
The librarian follows the chicken out of the library, across the road (now you know why!), across a meadow, along a creek and to a log where there sits a big green frog.
The chicken drops the book at the feet of the frog, and the frog says …
Reddit-Reddit! Reddit-Reddit!
“chicken walks into library” is missing, sry!
Why did the frog eat the fly?
The fly was bugging him!
Oooh another one. This was the first joke that I ever found funny.
Do elephants have babies?
No! They have baby elephants.
I think the best use of humor is to make a point without being offensive.
I’m not very good at it, but I try.
The only non offensive jokes are lame puns, which I find hilarious
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
One word joke: communism.
Straight from the pages of Amazing Jokes…
(amazingjokes.com)
Some might be offended by a couple of these bon mots…
but, some a hilarious and no offense unless you are really sensitive or awful stupid…hehehell
AVIATION RULES AND REMINDERS
AVIATION RULES AND REMINDERS
* Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.
* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back…then they get bigger again.
* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
* The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
* Every one already knows the definition of a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a ‘great landing.’ It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.
* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down — all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly — they’re just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.
* It’s easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying, and about flying when he’s with a woman.
* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.
PS: to respond…to…
Jörgen August 14, 2010 at 11:53 am
There are 11 types of people in the world
those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Drat, failed rule #5
There are 010 kinds of people in this world. those that can count in binary, and those that think 011 is 2 (base 8 or base 10 or hex….)
(from a man that read a 400 page book on higher Unary Mathematics…. hehehe)
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
You know!
You know who?
Yesssss! Hahaha! AVADA KEDAVRA!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was out standing in his field!
I thank you.
I really don’t think ‘religion’ can fit into that list. One should have the complete freedom to bash religion. Its like saying one must never make fun of “Star Trek” as Trekkers would get offended or Communism as communists would get offended. You believe in something, good for you. Thats no good reason to stop people from making fun of absurdity in its purest form.
How about this one (and I hope it works in English too, actually it’s a German one):
Two animals meet in the woods. The one looks puzzled at the other and says:
“I’ve never seen anything like you, what are you anyway?”
“I’m a wolf’s dog.”
“Now what’s that supposed to be?”
“My mother was a wolf and my father a dog, so that make’s me a wolf’s dog.”
“I see, thanks – learned something new.”
“But speaking frankly, I’ve never came across an animal like you neither, what are you actually?”
“I’m an ant bear.”
“Aaah! I see!”
There you go.
Hey, superb writing.
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